So I've been thinking..?

When I get done with all this, this whole life here (if you could even call it that), what will happen to this blog? Will it just be something to look back on later in life? Like, "Oh, look at what I did when I was bored back then."

I don't really want to think about it at all, that is, my future. It's scary, scares the shit out of me, and when it finally comes that time.. How scared will I be then? I've always had this mentality of eternal youth, that shit would never hit the roof. Older now, and I realize it does. Quite often considering my certain experiances. Anyways. I can't really explain what I will think will happen, but I think my views are very... Idealistic? Sometimes it seems I'm hoping for something that is out of reach. Like when you were a kid and couldn't reach the cabinets? Or even now depending on your height.

Suppose I really do get expelled..?

I hate how people take their anger out on me. I don't deserve this. Yes, I do. I take my anger out on people, but not the people who usually do it to me. Does that make sense? I only do it to a few people, people who really get me. People who see the real me. Again, does that make sense? I have two sides of me, I think. Not bipolar or anything, but I guess my mood depends on the moods of others. Make sense? Some days I'll wake up independent, not really giving a flying fuck and then some days... I let myself be controlled by not my mind, but the minds of others. Annoying, but I think it's because I care too much. Because I'm too much of a nice person.

I feel awkward around my own kind. My own people. The "weird" kids in school, I feel like I don't even fit in with them. I feel out of place, not special. Or at least by the way they treat me, I don't know. It's only one person, though. I'm pinning this on one person, and it's the guy I've trusted myself with the most. No, not the most. That's another person. Yeah, another person. Anyways, he's.. been there at least. He treats me like shit. 'Bout time he got a reality check. So. Suppose, just suppose, I did get expelled. How liberating it would be to see him miserable for once in his life. To know how it really feels. I am horrible. Horrible. Yes, I admit it. He deserves to realize how life really is fucked up, and realize all he's being is a baby. Sheltered from real society his whole life, and pleading desperately for attention to obtain something he never had. How rude of me.

I think it's interesting how far money can travel. One person to another. I wonder how many lives just a simple dollar has affected people's lives for the better or for the worse. How it's affected them at all, really. Helping to put money in the bank? Helping to put food on the table for the wife and kids? Helping to buy that new video game? Helping a friend out? I wonder. Or maybe it didn't help at all, and was simply misplaced on a sidewalk somewhere to be picked up by another. Who knows.

I think I'm done for tonight.